Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
