Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
And then my night got REAL pukey
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
