Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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