I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
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