my soul wont recognize me after tonight
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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