as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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