I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
