And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
