I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
