i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize