Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
