well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
