Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
