i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
