I intend to get homeless drunk
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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