I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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