I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
You ruined the universe
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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