When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
