his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
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