What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
They are going to name an STD after you.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
