i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
