I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Randomize