God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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