Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize