O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
