i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
