so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
You ruined the universe
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
