sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
