there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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