Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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