this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
