My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
