Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
