woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
