those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
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