Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
