We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
It's shark week go big or go home
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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