if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Randomize