Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
