We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
