ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
