she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize