i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
