they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
