God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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