i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Vodka?
Forever.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
