We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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