I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
