i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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