I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
