Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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