Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
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