apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize