Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
