my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
