I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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