I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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