I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Randomize
